I am sitting at home right now. I need to blow dry my hair and get going. I was supposed to have a meeting this morning in the field, so I worked from home for the first hour of my day instead of going to the office and doubling back to North Seattle. Now that my meeting is canceled, I have more time to go in and work on the paperwork I need to finish by tomorrow, as well as inform one of my more obnoxious parents that I’ve found someone to pick up his visits with his kid. And the trouble is ….
I don’t want to go in.
I’ve reached the stage where I just quite frankly don’t want to do this job anymore, for a variety of reasons. Some of it has to the with the bureaucracy, some of it has to do with the endless minutiae, some of it has to do with the difficulty of working with people who don’t actually want to work with me, and some of it has to do with the fact that I don’t have much of a choice. Do this job for 6 more months or owe more money (and trade in for a job that will most likely pay significantly less).
Maybe I’m just tired today, or coming down with a cold, judging from that scratchy feeling in the back of my throat. Whatever the cause, I know it’s a bad sign when I feel a lump in my chest about going to work – up until now, I haven’t really dreaded going into the office.
I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know if I should just suck it up for 6 more months and be miserable or actively apply for jobs outside of the department and take a potentially giant pay cut. I’d probably also find myself with a much less lenient supervisor (although truth be told, when you’re having motivation issues a lenient supervisor really isn’t a helpful thing).
I realize that 6 months isn’t really all that long and I know that the economy isn’t great and that I am lucky to have a job. Blah, blah, blah. I know. That doesn’t make the decision any easier.
I suppose the best first step is to find out how much I would actually owe the government, so that I could have some perspective. So I guess that’s a good place to start.
I can’t even end this blog appropriately …