JAWS: Live Blog

Okay, so here is a little back story. Last year on my birthday, my friend, Don, told me that he would never buy me another birthday beer again if I didn’t watch Jaws, his favorite movie. Apparently, the fact that I haven’t seen it is a personal failing. (Clearly, he only meant birthday beers, because he has bought me several beers since last May).

Anyway, I finally checked it out of the library and decided to watch, and LIVE BLOG!, it tonight. My husband is away, the baby is in bed, so perfect timing. I’ve cracked a bottle of champagne, scored some Girl Scout cookies, and am wearing my comfiest pajamas. Here we go!

7:23 pm: DVD menu. Soothing, actually, what with the waves and the dinging of the buoy (that is a hard word to spell!) And now I press PLAY! Apparently, this movie was produced by Universal. First impressions: damn, Thin Mints are tasty.

7:24 pm: Jumps right into the creepy music! Underwater scene! JAWS! Have to say, floating through some gross looking sea plants isn’t exactly setting the mood of TERROR. And…. CUT to hippies smoking around a bonfire. DUH. SMOKING WILL KILL YOU.

7:26 pm: Two pensive blondes are looking at each other. Dude, that chick is kind of fugly. No matter, male blond is going to female blond. She runs away! TEASE! Chrissie. Totally the name of a tease. Ok, they are going swimming. Do they know each other? Male blond just fell down. Female blond has gone into the water. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? Doesn’t Chrissie know that being a giant slut gets you killed in movies like these?

7:28 pm: SOMETHING HAS CHRISSIE! OH MY GOD! She is spinning in a whirlpool. Male blond is being totally useless on the beach. TYPICAL. Chrissie is down. I repeat, Chrissie is down. WHERE WAS THE BLOOD? Did Male blond not even notice she didn’t get out of the water? Cut … to some people looking out their window. Ooh, nice white boxers, man. The lady is in bed; I think she is hungover. They start speaking New Yorkese? SWINGS ARE DANGEROUS, dad says to the kid. You know what are dangerous? SHARKS!

7:30 pm: Oh, he is the police man.

7:33 pm: I tried a new flavor of Girl Scout Cookie. Savannah Smile. They are lemon flavored and delicious.

7:34 pm: How did Mr. Police Man know it was a shark attack? She was covered in kelp and crabs. They haven’t even had time for an autopsy! Are sharks common in New England (which is where I assume they are). That just seems a bit presumptuous.

7:36 pm: Some stiffs are giving Marty (Chief Brody) a hard time for jumping to conclusions. I got to say, I agree with them, but you can tell they are actually the stupid ones based on their awful outfits.

7:39 pm: Beach scene. NO DOG! RUN AWAY! … Okay, what kind of neglectful father is Chief Marty to let his own kid play in the water when he thinks that Chrissie died of a shark attack?

7:41 pm: KID DOWN. KID DOWN. Thank goodness it wasn’t the dog. Oh no. It was Alex. It’s your fault, Alex’s mom! You let him go in for 10 more minutes!

7:44 pm: Shark spotters? Is that a job?

7:45 pm: The shark killer runs a high price. He has creepy eyes. Nice mutton-chops, Shark Killer.

7:47 pm: Chief Marty declares that no one even knows how old sharks are. They could be TWO THOUSAND YEARS OLD! Seriously? In spite of the ridiculously stupid statement, his wife still wants to fool around. Of course, she is stupid too, arguing that her dumb son who is sitting in a boat is not in the water.

7:51 pm: I stopped paying attention for a minute. I guess someone named Charlie was almost attacked … by a floating dock. Was the shark pushing it? I feel like I missed  something. Anyway, Charlie survives but loses his meat?

7:51 pm: Isn’t Richard Dreyfuss in this movie? OH WAIT! THERE HE IS! Huh, he used to be cute.

7:55 pm: Richard is less cute with his hat off and glasses on. The autopsy? report is stressing him out. Meanwhile, out on the water, it seems to be a shark hunting free-for-all. Richard is all “THIS IS NOT A BOAT ACCIDENT, MARTY!”

7:56 pm: Okay, so they locals killed a shark, with an arrow? I have a feeling this shark was framed.

7:59 pm: Richard is totally crapping on Marty’s “WE KILLED THE SHARK” high. Oooh, the stiff is back. He is wearing a PASTEL STRIPED SUIT! … Alex’s parent’s show up. His mother is in full mourning attire, complete with a veil. She slaps Marty. Apparently it is Marty’s fault that the shark killed Alex NOT HERS (it was totally hers).

8:03 pm: GAH! Chief Brody’s kid has a giant ugly pumpkin head! Pumpkin head kisses Marty. Now Richard is back to keep ruining everything.

8:06 pm: Okay, stupid question, but how often do sharks eat? I mean, anaconda’s eat like once a month. Are sharks like constant eaters? I could Google, but that would spoil the fun.

8:08 pm: So, Richard is doing a necropsy on the shark. It’s not even on ice. Nasty. A bunch of white stuff comes out. And a license plate, naturally. Now Richard is covered in shark goo. Richard is all : YOU STILL HAVE A SHARK PROBLEM, MARTY! YOU’RE FUCKED. (He doesn’t actually say the last part, but he should). Richard peer pressures Marty to go out on a boat at night. DAMMIT RICHARD, he has CHILDREN.

8:12 pm: They find a boat and Richard decides to explore. He seems to be a risk taker. Of course, he is a shark lover, so maybe that goes with the territory. Now he is going in the water. Maybe he is just an idiot.

8:14 pm: Richard finds a body. Then screams. What was he expecting? Honestly, though, based on my years of watching Bones, that body looks at least 1 week old.

8:15 pm: OMG, Richard dropped the tooth. Like the only proof. Chief Stiff Suit is understandably disbelieving. He is also wearing another awesome suit jacket – it has anchors on it. Richard is getting angry.

8:21 pm: Beaches are open again. Everyone is sunbathing, trying to get skin cancer. People start going in. This is going to end badly.

8:23 pm: Chief Stiff Suit is rewearing his pastel striped suit. AWESOME.

8:23 pm: Shocker. The shark is back.

8:25 pm: There are like 100,000 people in the water. Is this the only beach in freaking New England?

8:26 pm: Shark was a hoax. Was this supposed to be a shock? Now the real shark is  in the pond. I’m sorry, but ponds are by definition enclosed bodies of water, so I am confused how it got there.  Anyway, someone else bites the dust. Shark be hungry!

8:28 pm: Now they are yelling for a gun. No one has one. Obviously this movie was made 30 years ago.

8:29 pm: BREAKING NEWS: Chief Stiff Suit’s name is Larry. Of course it is.

8:31 pm: OK, I guess Marty is hiring Quint, the crazy Shark Killer. Who just happens to be boiling a shark head? I don’t know. Richard wants to volunteer to help. He wants to save the innocent sand sharks. HA. Richard said SEMEN. (Okay, he said Seamanship, but whatever). HAHAHAHAH.

8:33 pm: When you’re on board my vessel, I’m the captain …. anyone else picking up on the sexual tension between Quint and Marty?

8:35 pm: Marty’s parting words to Ellen are to NOT USE THE FIREPLACE? WTF?

8:39 pm: Tensions are already high on the boat. Marty almost effed everything up and Richard freaked out. CALM DOWN!

8:42 pm: Shark hunting. Boring.

8:45 pm: HOLY HELL. SHARK. I was just about to say something snarky about how a human-killing shark probably won’t go for chum, but there it was. YOU’RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BOAT. Another penis reference?

8:48 pm: Quint has a gun. It seems a little small … I think Quint is not long for this world.
 
8:48 pm: Richard just shot a barrel in the water … I don’t understand? This was not a part of the Universal Studios Jaws ride.
 
8:52 pm: Quint hasn’t died yet. He challenges Richard, who is wearing a pink thermal, to a arm wrestling contest. Now there are sharing their scars. Do men do this?
 
8:54 pm: OMG, stop talking, get back to shark hunting. THIS IS BORING.
 
8:57 pm: I gather that Quint is talking about surviving some crazy mass shark attack in WWII? Or something? It was apparently a shark free for all. BECAUSE OF COURSE.
 
8:58 pm: Sing-a-long time. Obviously. “I’m tired and want to go to bed.” Tell me about it.
 
8:59 pm: SHIT IS GOING DOWN. Everything is falling on the boat. The boat is falling apart! Maybe they should have used a better boat, not a bigger boat. OMG, now the boat is ON FIRE. ON FIRE. I think the shark is back. Quint thinks so too. He is just shooting into the water. Quint is … unstable.
 
9:01 pm: This movie is slower than I expected. If they ever remake it, you know it will be full of explosions and maiming and man vs. shark hand to hand combat.
 
9:03 pm: Some really light-hearted music is playing. Have they forgotten they are SHARK HUNTING?
 
9:05 pm: Marty shoots the shark with a handgun. Marty, are you retarded? IT IS A SHARK.
 
9:09 pm: The shark got away through sheer brute strength, but not before perhaps irreparably destroying the boat. Maybe this is why they should of brought a back-up boat? MEN.
 
9:09 pm: I keep waiting for something awesome to happen like the shark jumping out of the water and eating Quint in one bite, T-Rex, Jurassic Park style.
 
9:13 pm: The boat is exploding because Quint is reckless. DUH.
 
9:15 pm: SHARK CAGE TIME! Someone better getting torn to shreds because I AM BORED.
 
9:19 pm: Richard lost his shark killing device. SERIOUSLY RICHARD? First the tooth, now the killing stick? YOU ARE USELESS!
 
9:21 pm: The boat is sinking. There is way less swearing going on than there should be. Quint is now dead. Marty is alone, because useless Richard is hiding in the ocean.
 
9:24 pm: Marty is stabbing the shark. STAB IT IN THE EYE! IN THE EYE! Marty does not listen to me because he is a moron.
 
9:25 pm: The shark has been blown up. That was way less dramatic that it should of been. Now, where the hell is stupid Richard?
 
9:25 pm: Richard surfaces, finally. Chief Marty is way hotter when he is soaking wet. Even Richard thinks so. They are laughing together. Jerks. QUINT GOT EATEN.
 
9:26 pm: They are swimming to shore. AND THAT IS IT? 
 
9:27 pm: FINAL THOUGHTS: Okay, this movie didn’t totally blow, so I guess Don and I can still be friends. It was kind of long and the ending was totally underwhelming. I mean, I guess blowing up a shark is inventive? I don’t know. I’m tired. Anyway, I earned my beer. And some fries, I think.
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